Carpet cleaning

Weather's been bad. Grey and rainy. Took me a whole hour to peel my back off the mattress. Had planned to take A to get his frame refund at Michael's Richmond. Needed to wash my hair first, though.

It was about 2:10 when I was ready to leave the house. Then mom got a call from our neighbour. The carpet cleaning guy was coming to work on their house. It would be our turn next. All of a sudden, furniture and all the junk had to be moved away from the living room. Thought I'd help a bit on that before I left. Dad wasn't moving although he's the one who has the most muscle power among mom, me, and aunt Y. Well, he does have an excuse from his aneurysm. Mom has a sore foot from infection. Aunt Y is in her 80's and has lung cancer. I would go to hell if I don't help out. Moving furniture alone shouldn't be a big problem, especially with 2 people working together on heavier stuff.

Then, mom wanted to vacuum! How can I leave at that point? So, I did it. Vacuumed. Every bit of it. Knowing it's gonna cost me dearly in a few hours if not tomorrow. I've only done it less than 5 times since the accident 13 years ago. (And with good reasons.) Ended up seeing A at around 3:30. He even gave up on going anywhere. Me? All dressed and sitting in the car, sweating from vacuuming. I suppose I could give up too. Then I can give up on myself again. And decorate my arms. (Did it later anyway.) Now that I look back, it just might be a better choice as I've been cranky and grumpy beyond salvage. We ended up going after all. At least got something done.

Got some more beading supplies from that bead store in Continental Center. So A wasn't serious when he said he'd buy me beads. I shouldn't have believed him. As a result I will seriously have to lock myself up for a month so I won't spend any more money. He kept hurrying me to finish. That gave me a very unenjoyable time. (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T)

And when I got home, one bag of metal beads was missing. It was probably left at the bead store. Sigh... That's it. That's the last straw today. (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) (T_T) Why does my day have to suck so much????

And of course, the effects from vacuuming has grown. To be precise, it's no longer "ache" but "wrong". Very very very very very wrong. My left shoulder is sore on the touch. I can't turn my head to the left. Any other direction feels like my neck's been chopped off and sewn back again. 3/4 of my back has gone numb. My chest feels like I'm wearing a corset. My breathing is constricted. All the joints in my whole body feels like they're off by 15%. And I, I feel like I'm being hung upside-down.

Everybody thinks I'm normal. Hence everybody expects me to behave normally, do normal things. No one understand what I have to go through. No one. This "ache", makes me grumpy. I don't want to be grumpy, but I have no control. It's my own body and mind yet I have no control. I don't like it, and I hate myself for it.

There I was, lying on the sofa in this stink-like-chemical living room, stretching, hoping to nudge bones and muscles and tendons back together in place. I couldn't stop tearing.

Why? Did it hurt so much yet I couldn't feel?

No, it's more like helplessness and hopelessness. I'm painfully aware that right now mom is the one who's taking care of most things. I'm next in line when she's down, like today. But I'm not adequate. Something as simple as vacuuming pushes me 30 feet into the ground. There is just no hope, no future for a non-able body.

To seal the damage in, A actually saw the bag of beads left on the counter at the bead store. Why didn't he alert me? He could have saved me the trouble of going back. Sigh... I know. He got so bored he couldn't wait to leave. Maybe he did it on purpose to "punish" me for boring him. Hey, when I go to your stores that I'm not interested in, have I ever show impatience? I'm glad you "enjoy spending time with me", but... don't you want me to be able to say the same? I'm so very very very disappointed.