Monster mode

(Picture was taken on Feb 9 and is unrelated to subject.)
My right shoulder's been killing me. Don't get to see my chiropractor until Saturday. And the vampire's estimated arrival is in 4 days. Pimples burst out on my face and even on my body. Entered monster mode.

Got up at 1:30. Way later than I hope but still not bad considering the previous sleep-deprived days. Had a fight with mom. Well... actually can't really call it a fight because it was just me rampaging. There are troubles with dad's day care. All thanks to mom answering a phone call while I was at work, saying "dad's not interested" to our case manager. Thus our file was deleted. So, even when we went directly to the daycare center and did all the paper work, it couldn't go through. Plus, if we want to proceed, we need to get a new case manager. I really wasn't in the mood to deal with that, but barely managed to beg her to try to reopen our file. She said she'd try, but the outcome is uncertain. I don't know why mom said what she did, but afterward she bugged and bugged and bugged me to look into dad's daycare. And I even skip work for that.

Then I proceed to let mom know that she shouldn't have given wrong answers if she was unsure. I was mad, though. Her response was, fine then, let's cancel the whole thing.

I completely lost it right there and yelled at her.

All the effort and hassle since dad's hospital stay to get help on his care, is to lighten mom's workload. It's for her to have a break. I supposed this must be what S referred to as "passive aggressive". She may not realize, but I felt like she was toying with me. Having me set things up and then cancel, and then re-setup, and so on. I'm terrible with phone conversation since I can't hear too well over the phone. I continued with the yelling, bringing up the recent phone call I happened to hear, that mom was telling someone "everybody's bulling her". Yes, it's true that I can't deal with dad, and she ends up with a big workload. But hey I have to work, and she set that up herself! Taking away stuff that dad is still able to do! If you refuse help, then you can't complain! That simple.

So I realized my stress doesn't only come from dad, but mom too. That was it. I've passed my breaking point. I needed to leave the house. Before doing so, I did apologize to mom that I have no control when my back hurts, but at the same time I told her that, life needs to look forward, not backward like her retracting at every obstacle. And that I have problems taking a step forward and it seems to be inherited from her. At least I'm aware of my problem. How about her? (Yeah right. Knowing is one thing, doing is another.) She gave me a very, very fake sad and ignorant face. Sigh... was she playing ignorant? She's been very good at it, though. Making this "help me I'm helpless" face which I hate so much.

Yes, she deposited crisp discontinued bank notes into her account, came back and told us the tellers were really really happy. I took $90 worth of what was left to a numismatic shop, and brought back $500.

Yes, she cut off strawberry skin because "she doesn't like the seeds". But she was fine with it before.

Yes, instead of letting dad use the walker we borrowed from the Red Cross to walk, she put it in front of the toilet so dad can use it to get up. Well, it's true that dad can walk on his own. But a lot faster and more stable with the walker. He also dislike using walking aid. (Maybe I shouldn't have brought this up. I do think dad should keep doing what he can, but it helps us if he can walk safer.)

Yes I should just shut up.





Thanks A for giving me shelter for the evening. Your kindness is greatly appreciated.





Got home just before midnight. The internet access was down again! AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!! This was a huge problem because I needed to pay for that god damn parking ticket! Things just... go against me when I'm in monster mode. Everything.

Luckily, after a shower and a few more reboots of the machine and router, the net was up again, and I got rid of the ticket.

Sigh...