Suicide thoughts

Dad pretty much cleaned up the whole plate of pumpkin at dinner and only left 3 pieces. Mom ate one. I ate none. Mom was quite upset about dad's lost of courtesy and manner. To him, he owns the world and can do anything he wants at anytime. No one else in the world mean anything anymore. Not even his family. Not even his wife who takes care of him so much. Who cleans up after his every pee spill. Because of that, she gets waken up a few time every night and gets no sleep. Dad doesn't seem to care anymore.

Around midnight, after saying yes to mom's call for brushing his dentures and then go to bed, dad did not only skip both, but took frozen buns from the freezer and started microwaving it. He knew he was doing something wrong, as he stopped the microwave when I caught him red-handed. Although mom was in bed already, she couldn't help it but to get up.

It was a serious conversation. We told dad that we could quit stopping him from excessive eating. But we do because we don't want him to get sick. If it's his will, we could quit right away, and let him eat himself to death. But he just kept on eating that half-microwaved bun quickly as if we were gonna take it away, ignoring us, not saying anything, or even look at us. Did this mean he wants to eat himself to death?

Mom was mad alright. So did I. She said dad's afraid of death. Apparently she's told dad before, let's die together. She'd slash his wrist first, then her own. But dad said no.

(1) If dad's afraid of death, wouldn't he stop eating that bun right there? Or can I even look at this with logic?
(2) Mom seems to go crazy too. Not only does she give me no hope, she's gonna drag me alone.

I was actually really mad inside. Mad at them both. Somehow the direction of the conversation had me saying, I have no choice but to suicide with them if they do so. But bleeding to death is too slow and painful. She said, then what's good? I said, jumping off a high-rise. You can even experience flying one last time. Actually I've been thinking about that for a long time. (And this is true.)

Just when I thought there might be some hope in my so-called life, it's gone.

What am I gonna do?

I wish dad no harm. But I can't deal with the situation. Dad is torturing us. I admit I've wondered when he would leave. Because of that, I deserve to die and go to hell.

And I can't believe I don't mind dying that much. There's nothing fun anymore. If Sc didn't give me that job yesterday, and showed me someone in this world still believes in me, I'd truly have nothing to hold me back from jumping off a building.