Worthlessness

Yup, the vampire definitely affects everything. The weather compounds it.

My boss was not in a good mood either. Very irritable.

She told me to clean up some resin cast clocks, and then mount them on a stick for spray-painting. Usually it's the back that gets sprayed first. I just want to make sure. But what she's been saying was "dial forward". "Forward" to me means facing me, but that's unusual. I should have confirmed louder, but I didn't say "dial up?" loud enough. She didn't say anything so I stuck them all facing up.

When she was about to spray them, she got mad. It could be simply a misunderstanding on both of us, but she always act like she's god and cannot be wrong. I said, you said dial up. She said, no, YOU said dial up. Wait a sec... if you heard me saying that, why didn't you correct me right away? I of course had to shut up.

She wanted me to punch out some printed clock dials with a paper punch. Only the "clear ones". Meaning, only the once with clearly visible numbers. That, was also questionable. What she consider "clearly visible" was different from mine.

All of these unnecessary stress and tension.

Somewhere she said, "why am I even explaining this to you?"

It really hurts.

Do you know what that means to me?

It means, I'm not worthy to know why something needs to be done a certain way. I should just shut up and blindly do what you say like a robot. I'm not a person.

The stress maxed out within a short duration of less than 5 minutes and I needed to use my emergency stop button. My arm is still sore from it.

As I sunk my teeth deeply onto my arm, I had to tell myself, I'm just a piece of garbage. No, less than that. A piece of shit. So I should shut the F%#K up and be her dog.

I have no doubt she thinks of me as her dog.

All afternoon, I was thinking, will today be the day I finally quit? I've saved up 2 incidents, past misunderstanding that would slap her in her face. I was imagining how delicious it would be, the day I reveal them to her.

However, the mixed message is, she does look like she's been trying to help me with my own craft stuff. If it isn't for that, I would have quit long ago.

BTW, some more online stuff arrived. 2 more to go. I must contact that Chinese seller as my order status is still "paid" instead of "shipped" after a whole week now.