ER (2)

I'm exhausted. Have not been able to function. 2-hour sleep (bad), back aches (bad), body aches (bad), throat sore from too much talking to medical staff and dealing with friends and relatives' phone calls (bad), dehydrated (bad)...

Still took mom and cousin to London farm. Visited dad and aunt (she's doing better, but now we know that she's terminally ill and probably wouldn't see the end of this year.) Had dinner near brother 's place, came home and it was after 9. I almost pass out many times when driving home.

Aunt Y's poop's stink hasn't gone away. I tried to light some candles to neutralize that, 3 out of 5 existing candles don't work. (Wick either too short or buried too deep in wax.) Luckily, got some new ones. The big one doesn't have any container so I was digging up and down for something to put it on. Finally finished with the candle business and tried to take some Ninjiom Chinese throat syrup but we're out. Tried to eat an orange to help my throat but I'm too full. Tried to make it into orange juice but the juicer had not been used for several year. I washed it but my back and shoulders feel too bad and couldn't squeeze. While doing that, I found out some of the stink was from a mini trash bucket for food waste. The stink came from byproducts from mom butchering a fish yesterday. By then I was already off the edge. The bag was leaking liquid too. Rotting oozing fish intestines. Super gross. Trust me, s u p e r g r o s s !

I layered it into another bag, and found out some contents had leaked and fused with the bucket. OMG I lost it. Mom said she was going to use that as compose. Sigh... OK she didn't realize she forgot to take it outside... or did she? Perhaps she thinks we can make compose in the kitchen!

So, ugly. We had a fight. Cousin K knows about my dark side. So I said to her, you see my luck? God wants to torture me till I kill myself. Mom then said, let's do it together. Let's drive into a wall. Sigh... This is when I loose all respect towards her as a mom. Is it just a beautified illusion that mothers would always guide children away from harm????? I told cousin K the exact same thing again. How can I have any hope with my mom keep pushing me over the edge? Mom said, let's see who dies first. I said, you think dying first wins? She said, not win, but relieve. I said, you think relieve wins? Sigh... endless... hopeless...

Thought my problem would resolve when dad went to nursing home. How wrong.

Will take cousin to the free PNE tomorrow. Brother's pickup arrives around 8am. Need to go to bed N O W ! I'm exhausted and aching all over, but too angry to sleep.