Funeral

About 60 people came to say good-bye to my uncle today. Funerals are always harsh. I guess this is the first "real" thing to me. Despite my illusive memory, I do remember staring at a relative's dead body at a young age, but I have no recollection on who it was. Then before 10 there was my dad's brother. Then a classmate a few years ago. But all those are with the missing half of my brain now. This time, it's different. I'm painfully aware that I was trying to block things out. Didn't want to be there, didn't like it. The whole situation... felt so wrong. Perhaps I was only a spectator in all those previous times. Now I'm "the family". At this rate, how am I gonna function when my parents' time comes?

My mom is the youngest of 9 kids and this uncle was the 4th. I haven't been close to him. Don't even really know him that well. Only learned about him from other people's speeches. It's amazing that he married my aunt only after 3 months of meeting her, beating the other guy she had been dating for 10 years. And in his 46-year marriage, they never augured. Not even once. Sure he was a super nice guy. When we first immigrated here, he took us into his home before ours was ready.

Yeah, he was into stamp collecting and photography. I knew that one, but I didn't know he had his own dark room. Hey wait a minute... I do remember angrily shredding up a black-and-white photo he took of me, in a bath. All naked in the tub. I was... probably around 8 or 9? Hated that photo. Hated it! Hated it! Hated it! And I'm sure by today's standard, that's something pedophiles love. Aaaaaargh!!! That's why I stayed away from him instinctively! No, no, he never touched me or anything like that. As far as I remember.

Ha! Talking about memory, some of my friends seem to think my picture-taking is stupid. They don't understand the camera is a backup for my memory. It means a lot to me because that's a way to remind myself of events that happened. Yeah, it gets thaaat bad. Sadly, nobody sees the damages on the inside. They expect things of me like I'm completely normal. Which, at times, is painful.

As much as I'd love to shoot some backup memories for today, it didn't seem appropriate. So, instead, a funeral Pinky.
At the ceremony, 2 things were seriously bordering me.
(1) The clergy was preaching. Yeah, my uncle and aunt never had kids, so the church gave a lot of support. (And then the family on my aunt's side did the most.) So... is this "preaching opportunity" an exchange for all the help? Using my uncle's death to gather new followers? I'm sorry, but the preaching itself was badly executed. I do believe in God, but I have problems with how the Church do things.
(2) Why are women always the one to suffer? In average, women live longer than men. But women live shorter when married, while men live longer married. As if men sucks the life out of women. Today, I saw with my own eyes that, it is true. Women's longer life is a curse, not a blessing. Having to go through your husband's incurable illness alone is enough punishment. No need for childbirth pain. That's one of the problems I have with the bible. That everything gets blamed on the woman. And men, are 99% so insensitive. They take their partner for granted. My dad is the perfect example. My childhood memories of him, was the dictator with the homemade rattan whip who demanded absolute obedience. Even so, I'm extremely worried about how I'm gonna react when his time comes.

Well, at this point, I can't imagine myself getting married, or even finding a partner. I might look younger than my age, but I'm already too old to be in the market. When my time comes, there would only be my brother and his family. (That is, if he doesn't go before me. He is, after all, older than me.) I'd probably donate my body to science so there would be no need for funeral. Hopefully that would spare him the hassle. If I happen to be lucky enough to have a funeral, I'd like it to be a happy one.