No hope

Dad torn up yet another piece of clothes. It's of course one of the overalls.

I know mom's been unhappy. But I don't want to be the recipient of her negative energy. I've got way too much myself. I can't handle her passive aggressiveness any more.

I pointed out the rice cooker may have expired. The non-stick coating obviously is bubbling and chipped. I think she's been pretending not noticing? (OK the bubbles are very fine so it looks like a rim of stain... but how can she not know it's non-stick and shouldn't have anything "stain"?) So I said we should switch to the stainless steel pot. Mom argued that the rice cooker is excellent in cooking congee, and you don't need to watch over it. I argued that if we keep eating whatever micro particles that may seep out, we'll become like dad. She didn't want to agreed, but gave in and proceed to soak the grains... while saying she doesn't care and wants to die. Geeze... where did that come from?

I said, this stuff you keep saying is making me want to die. She said happily that, than lets die together. Geeze... is that what she wants of me? I'm sorry, even if I'm gonna kill myself, I will not do it together with her. She's like a drowning person holding onto and dragging down whoever is closest. I'm unfortunate enough to be right next to her. I'm sick and tired of being drag down by her. Does she know what she's showing me as an example of mother? No wonder I'm single. She shows me that being a mother is so ugly. I despise her for killing hope.

To be honest, I always know she has no hopes or plans for me as a child. She gave me ugly haircuts and dressed me up in her sense of fashion, which drove my friends away. She never wish for my happiness. Never wish that I would someday find someone special. All she wants now, is for me to not run away and stay at her side until she dies. In other words, she does not want me to have a future. Period.

How can I not despise her??? How can I live without numbing my heart???